That’s the Way Love Goes
Ya know, therapy isn’t all about rib cage cracked open, organs hanging out, slobbering crying, unearthing the doom and gloom.
There is also a lot of processing trauma where flowers bloom and literal weight is lifted. I’m forcing allowing myself the space to reimagine.
One big place of reimagining is my relationship with my fiancée. Usher said “if I’m gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all.” So…
We’ve been going steady for four years (on April 13th). 49.5 months of a whole heap of love, travel, growth, distance, wonder, adventure, disappointment, commitment, silly, visioning, nurturing, and figuring shit out… together. This blog was supposed to be posted on our anniversary, but alas, she was nursing me back to health after Florida pollen tried to take my life.
She is “the calm and the storm.” A reminder that life is meant to be lived right here and now, with the balance of visioning for abundance fifty years from now. My lady is designing freedom. An architect of ease and efficiency. She is kind and so intentional, a dreamer and doer. The things she wants, she goes after with discipline, caffeine, and a little bit of reggaeton.
I’ve called this relationship my most adult relationship, because even after two 5 year-ish long relationships (with cis men, please note - I deserve compensation), I have a partner whose commitment to forever means “we’re gonna talk about this.”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems deep and sacred love has the capacity to uncover mess (the places where we need that mirror) and leaves the option open for growth and transformation. She shined a mirror on my mess.
I am an emotional clam - too much of life has taught me that in relationships, what I have to say does not matter. I was hiding, not intentionally - but who gives a fuck about intention when the impact is destructive. And this silence has ruined every good thing. Here is where I learned that avoidance… is dishonesty. Don’t worry, I’m investing a lot to get the pearl (and leave my clam unharmed).
Relationships should not be defined by an ability to hold a bunch of shit and FINALLY make it to a wedding or 20/50/70 year anniversary. My family is full of people who’ve never been divorced and don’t like the person they sleep with every night. I have never known romantic joy for the sake of joy in my family. There were no obvious signs of affection outside of holidays or church functions, and even then it was strained and worse than a stock photo. But hey! They’re all still together! That’s the ultimate goal, right?
Imagine everyone Rogers’ shock when I chose to get divorced years ago… How dare I claim more freedom than they thought was possible.
We make the joke that neither of us has been in a relationship longer than five years, so we’re entering uncharted territory - so what the fuck do we do now?? “There’s still time to create something new,” I remind myself. And crossing over the hump from harm into healing is a highway (that’s a lot of h’s). But I’m here to ride it to the end.
This is also a reminder that relationships don’t require perfection. But they do require people to show up and commit to forward movement together, in word and action. How am I spending time every day to demonstrate my love for my fiancée (and our home, family, and visions) by acting in alignment with our family values? And as an oldest child fixer, how am I moving beyond “fixing”/doing/problem solving into alignment.
CAN’T YOU FEEL MY DESIRE?!?
No, but really, I’m fighting lions and tigers and bears to break through all of the shit that others have left so I can love myself and my lady deeply. Ours will not be a story defined by endurance.
If you’re in a relationship, get yourself a therapist and get a couples therapist. Please. For the love of humanity. It was our couples therapist who heard us - heard my bae, heard me, and said (paraphrased) “Jasmen, you got some work you need to do alone… be fucking for real with yourself.”
Trauma is funny. It’s a very real explanation for behaviors, but not an excuse. And recognizing just how deep my cookie has crumbled is step one. Step two - I, alone, have to fight for my mind, my body, my bank account, etc, etc. But/And/Wherefore/Therefore having a partner to bear witness and remind you who you said you wanted to be is … a bountiful blessing. She is my biggest hype person and she’s rooting for me, but she can’t/won’t do the work for me.
This love is patient and kind. And for me, for her, and for us - I’m trying.
I’m sorry. But I won’t stay stuck by sorry. I’m scared. Because I’ve never believed in forever enough to get myself together. I’m clawing through the unworthy, unsafe feelings in my head to show up for a beautiful and bountiful love of self and you.
My love, you are incredible. And you are deserving of a love that is safe and visionary. A soft place to land and know you’re supported. A defender for our home and our dreams. Silly, calculated, cozy, big, inspiring, proud, warm. And I’ll be that - in sickness and in health, to the ends of the earth, at home and in business class, in easy and in tough. I’ve loved you for the way you laugh uncontrollably. I love you for the ways your eyes light up when you buy/do something that feeds your childhood wonder. I love you for your (literal) cold feet. I love you for your excitement about Excel (not Google Sheets, there’s a clear difference). I love you every time you get so excited that you forget what you were talking about. I love you when you explain sports. I love you for birthing our sons (our biological dog children). I love you for your love of children and elders.
Not enough of us talk about what it takes to create and grow a healthy relationships - the individual and collective shifts that are necessary to get real deep in the love and happiness bag.
I don’t have the answer, but I have a lot of lessons. And the goal is to never be forced to learn the same lesson twice.
So to the rest of you little love birds:
How are you cultivating safety in your relationships?
What are your family/relationship values?
How is your bullshit impacting the ways you can show up for your partner(s)?
When all the world fades away, what is your partnership at its best?
