Are You HEALING
By now you know I’ve been in therapy for a while. Talk therapy for about five years, followed by my most recent stint in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing - Google It and let it bless you).
I feel in my bones that I’m making progress, dare I say one foot in front of the other, one day at a time - “healing.”
And a few weeks ago a question came across my social medias: “Are you healed or are you just not being triggered”.
Because BABY, the most recent stint of mercury in gatorade had people acting foolish, and I can feel the regression.
I’ve often said there is a very logical side of my emotions that “knows” what’s true and what is drama (Capricorn Moon in the house!). The Logic always tries to drag me back when the synapses are firing in retreat, isolation, and unworthiness.
Most recently, a man took something from me at work. Something that was not his business. Something that he knew would hurt me - he took it. In a calculated act of aggression, he decided I wasn’t deserving. And I was digging up therapy notes and mantras and prayers and meditations and gratitude and curse words to recover.
Some moments I’m propped back up on two steady feet with clarity. And others, I have a million questions, several that start with “Why am I so [blah, blah, blah] that he would [yadda, yadda, yadda]” or “What have I done to deserve this [boondoggle].” Therapy has been a lasso back into reframing and coming back to the truth of how my worthiness is defined. And it’s been really fucking hard to be rescued from the decades of shit creeping back in.
Maybe we’ll never be released from the clutches of everything they told us. Maybe it’ll always cause a little pinch, but the real mark of the work is what comes next. Do we retreat, react, or step into that reimagining?
In the choice of fight or flight, my inclination is to freeze. It’s a matter of weighing all options, feeling every feeling, and then wallowing in the “does this even matter.”
A call into faith (loosely defined, but I’ve been praying to God, Jesus, the ancestors, Ziggy, and Oshun) has me wondering what battles are mine and where will the holy assembly handle my lightweight better than I ever could. A best friend reminded me that some parts of the battle are not ours to fight because some of that evil stuff is beyond us. BUT… but, I’ve been blessed with a voice and a few attorney friends, so I can do my part.
Back to our original quote.
WHEW.
This was loud… and true.
Healing in a bubble isn’t the true test of whether the lessons stick. It’s the first time someone tries your whole life and you’re forced to regulate your emotions. It’s when the world turns against you and makes an attempt to drag you back into the places you’ve grown from, and you have to be still and reaffirm how worthy you are. It’s the boundary setting and “no” that creates the safety ou worked so hard for. It’s feeling in your bones, no matter the place, time, person, or situation - that it can be conquered. It may not be easy, there’s still room to feel the things, AND there is a generative way through.
When besieged,
I’m calm as a baby.
When all hell breaks loose,
I’m collected and cool.
Psalm 27:3 (The Message version, which is unhinged and my favorite)
And I also offer you my favorite hype song, which always brings me back to knowing who the fuck I am and claim to be… Remy Ma “Conceited.”
“You know, I look way too good to be trying that. I'm conceited I got a reason”
